2 years ago

Today has been so extremely hard for me. I've tried to keep myself together all day, with a few times where I've kind of broken down while the girls weren't in the same room. I don't want them to see me upset. My mood has been pretty temperamental too. I don't want to be around anybody. I just want to sit in silence by myself. Every little thing is bothering me. I don't really have anybody to talk to anymore except a few people and even that's hard for me to do, again another reason why I've chosen to start this blog. At this time 2 years ago, I was at the hospital in the conference room of the emergency room area waiting to hear the awful news that Brandon had passed away. It felt like someone had just punched me their hardest in the stomach. I got nauseous and couldn't believe what I just heard. It didn't even feel real, I felt like I was dreaming. My worst nightmare had just come true. If you've ever lost somebody VERY close to you so unexpectedly, you should understand this feeling. I can't even remember the next few days after. It was like I was in a daze. To be honest I don't even really remember the funeral or the viewing. Just bits and pieces, I guess I blocked it all out. I didn't want to remember those days. The night he passed, the viewing and the funeral were the worst days I have ever encountered. It's true what they say about You always knew what you had, you just never thought you would lose it, and that holds true with Brandon. I always knew what a great son I had, I just never wanted to or never imagined losing him. A mother's worst fear is losing her child. When you do lose a loved one, the grieving process has no time limit or particular order. You can feel angry then go back to shock etc. I too often want to go back to that day and start all over and wish I would have done things differently to try to prevent what happened. That's the part where I blame myself, even though it was probably beyond my control. I feel like I should have payed attention to the fact that he was wearing a shoelace around his neck when he went to bed instead of making cookies. I hate myself for not noticing that. Well, I guess now you have an idea of how he passed. I know there were MANY rumors going around of how he died, but let me assure you, if you didn't hear it from me then it's probably not true. I'm still not gonna go into specific details because I'm still not ready to relive that night, It's bad enough I do it in the flashbacks, It's still hard for me to tell people what happened. In fact, when I took one of the girls to a counseling appointment they asked about how Brandon passed and I couldn't tell them with her sitting right there and I told them that it should be in the file and to look it up. Shows how much they read before they start with the questions. Assholes. I've had enough for one day so I'm gonna probably head to bed very shortly. Hopefully tomorrow will be a little better.