Thinking

So I was just sitting here thinking, being able to move on from Brandon's death is not a choice. It's just something that has to be done. I have no choice but to keep going. Ending my life because my son's life has ended was not a choice. Having the strength to accept the fact that he's gone has been a big struggle and I still haven't fully accepted it. I never will. Many of you have lost friends and loved ones in your life so far, and are still here despite them not being here. Well, the same goes with my situation. I just can't end my life because someone very close to me's life has ended. I guess this has impacted my life in a big way, I've started shutting people out, pushing them away I guess you could say. I think the depression is starting to set in more and it's almost forcing me to do it. I am responsible for my actions but everyone involved in the situation at hand is responsible for their actions and the outcome of the situation as well as me. If you're someone that I'm close to and see that I have already or am starting to push you away, just give me space. I'm really not sure why I do it. Maybe because I'm afraid to trust anyone, or I'm afraid to get too close. I don't know. I wish I had some answers. The only ones I cannot and will not push away are my kids. I just don't know what to do anymore. It's starting to feel like everything is falling apart. I don't feel as strong as I once was. To be quite honest, I'm not even happy anymore. Maybe this is my calling for me to get some help. I just don't want to have to explain everything to a doctor and get that blank stare from them like they don't even care. I feel like they are judging me. I don't think I can do this anymore. Everyone has a purpose in life, I'm still trying to figure out my purpose. I wish I knew what it was.