Some days are easier than others

Since this is the 3rd time I'm typing this one because my mousepad on the laptop keeps deleting it when I accidentally bump it, it's probably not going to be worded the way I had originally planned. So here we go. This past week has been both good and bad. I've been trying to keep myself busy so I don't overwork myself, The busier I am the less chance I have of having a breakdown (as I call it) We went to a birthday party this past sunday, and when I was sitting there watching the kids playing I thought how much Brandon would have enjoyed himself. There was pony rides, a pinata, plenty of food and drinks and of course his cousins were there too. He probably would have been playing with Timmy (my nephew) They were really close. For that moment, I felt sad that he couldn't be there. I think I beat myself up too much over him. I still blame myself sometimes, even though it wasn't anyone's fault for what happened. I have alot of support from my family and friends, but it's still hard for me to talk to them because of how close they are to me and to him, it's almost like I don't want to say the wrong thing and have them feeling the same way or just about the same way I do. It makes me feel better when I get some reassurance that everything is going to be okay. Life will still continue and I'm always gonna have that piece of my heart missing but It's something I have to live with. I probably won't fully accept him not being here, but I can't just stop living. Alot of people say they don't know how I do it and I really don't know either. It's just something I HAVE to do. I don't want to but I have to. Losing a child is very hard, especially after taking care and loving him for almost 10 years and then one day Bam! he's gone. I'm still trying to remember that whole day, but the only thing I can remember is from the last hour before the accident happened until the next morning. I still don't know if the ambulance or doctor at the hospital brought him back or if he was even alive when the ambulance was there. I felt like I was in a dream, I felt weak. I didn't know what to do. It still feels like I'm in that dream sometimes and that I'm gonna open the door one day and he'll be standing there, but I'm brought back to reality again and I know it's not going to happen. Why couldn't he be given another chance? Brandon had quite a few nicknames given to him, including Branflake, which was my personal name for him, Bran, Brandy (when we would tease him or he was acting like a girl) and the famous "G-love" which his coach and former tss worker gave him. I was gonna go to the cemetary yesterday to see him but the gates were closed when I passed so I slowely drove past his headstone because you can see it when you drive down the road. I like to go to the cemetary by myself sometimes and just sit there and talk to him (in my mind). I don't think I'll ever stop wondering how his physical appearance would change as he got older, or how his personality would change, what he would want to be when he became an adult, what college he would go to, what his interests would be. I know he would want to have some kind of older mustang, camaro or some other fast car. He loved muscle cars. When we went to knoebels he went with my dad in his corvette and my dad said he had a smile on his face the whole time. I'm glad he got the chance to go with his poppop in that car. The day of the funeral I decided to ride with my dad in the car just to feel what Brandon did when he rode with him the day of our knoebels trip. Not only that, but I felt better being close to my dad when I felt like my whole world just came crashing down on me. Not that I wouldn't have if I was with my mom, the girls or Bill, but my dad I think was the only one who was strong enough on the outside to make me feel okay. My mom took it very hard when Brandon passed away, she not only treated him like a grandson but like her own son. She is one of the people that tells me she doesn't know how I do it and how I'm so strong after going through something like this. I think it's just because I don't show how much it bothers me and hurts. I try to keep myself together for everyone else. Every now and then I need to have the breakdowns. I need to be the weak one even if it's just for a few minutes or a day. I need to cry and express my feelings. That's one of the main reasons I do my blogs, so I can get my feelings out. A lot of times when I type these blogs. I do have tears coming down my cheeks but afterwards it helps. This is my therapy. This is the way I help myself and if others don't see that or think it's stupid, all they have to do is click the x in the corner of the page and exit out of it. These blogs are very personal to me, and it's even hard for me to share them and let other people read them because I don't really tell people how I feel anyway, but if these blogs makes even one person understand or relate to how I feel then I will continue to do them. Well, either way I'm going to continue to do them until I feel there is nothing else to say or I feel good enough to where I don't think I need to. I was told I should write in a journal, but I don't really like writing, and this is much more easier to read than my handwriting. I'm sure if you've seen it you would agree. So with that it's time for me to try and get some rest.