Almost 2 years

I always start this the same way it seems, with it's been awhile, and it's true, I always seem let this go. A lot has happened since the last time I've done my blog, October - December was pretty rough for me, I went through a bad time. It started with a breakdown I had over Brandon, which I believe was the worst one yet, I'm not going to get into detail over what has happened in those 3 months, but things started getting better. Bill asked me to marry him on Christmas and we started planning the wedding, which was pretty hard without Brandon, then to top that off my dad couldn't walk me down the aisle for reasons I won't get into either. We got married May 12th, I had a candle lit with Brandon's picture beside it at the wedding ceremony, it was my way of him being there with us for our special day. This time of year is always hard for me for a few different reasons, one being that he passed away in July 2 days before my birthday which is the 22nd of July. Another, he was born on August 28th, he would be 12 almost a teenager, I try to picture what life would be like if he was still here and it's not the same, I mean how do you picture what life would be like if he was still around, I know there's the obvious things but the details of it all, you just can't. I've said this plenty of times before I wish I could go back to that night where he was taken from mine and so many others lives who loved and cared about him. If only I could change that day and do everything differently. Around this same time 2 years ago, we went to Knoebels together and had a blast, and for those of you who are reading this and also one of my facebook friends, my cover photo is from that time, that's also one of the last photos taken of him. We went camping last weekend which brought back the memories of Brandon roasting his own hot dogs on the campfire, running around picking up wood to put in the fire and playing with his cousins and sisters. He loved to go camping. I wonder what he would have wanted for his birthday this year. He would probably have about 5 or 6 girls calling the house for him lol. He sure is a handsome boy! This is a picture from one of our camping trips, Brandon and Trista roasting hot dogs throwin' up the peace sign

           I hate the fact that he's not here anymore, it kills me inside. I'm still always brought back to that awful night with the flashbacks, or memory as some would call it. It's like I can see it in my head and for those moments of time my heart starts racing and I'm numb, I kind of feel trapped in a way, like I will never forget it and it won't ever go away, I wish it would, I wish I could just forget about what happened. It won't though and I have to struggle everyday of my life with it. I know I still haven't said exactly what happened and I'm still not ready, with time I will be and I will get it out but not right now, even though it's been 2 years. It has been a little easier to talk about, and it's gotten alot easier for me to talk about him, I like talking about all the good things about him and what a great son I had, but in the back of my mind, I wish I could still talk about how his grades were from this past school year and how good he'd be doing in baseball and basketball and everything else. Noone can possibly understand the pain I go through inside as a mother to lose my Brandon James, NOONE. he was my 1st born and only son. Nothing can ever compare to that and nothing and noone can take his place. He will always keep his place in my heart. Sometimes I ask myself, if this was one of god's tests for me or life lessons? I don't know, nobody knows. If his death has taught me any kind of lesson, it would be from a quote I've seen before, which says You always knew what you had when you had it, you just never thought you would lose it, and another, life can be short so cherish the memories you have and live each day as if it's the last. I Love you Brandon and I miss you more than anything. I wish you were here right now. Most of all though, I wish you would give me a sign that you're okay and I can let go of this hurt and pain inside at least a little bit, because everytime I get like this I wish I could be with you, despite everything and everyone I have right now. I guess I just have to wait until we can be together again, and you better be there to guide me to the wonderful place you now have to call home. I hope mommom and poppop and all of our other family and friends that we've lost are with you, I'm sure they are.