Today has been unusually hard for me. I feel as though my life is falling apart. The stress from life in general has me thinking about the pain I have in my heart for the loss of Brandon, It makes me think about how much I just want to tuck him in and tell him good night, I want to watch him play another baseball game, I want to take him for ice cream and to Knoebels, pick him up from spending the night at grammy's house. I want to feel his arms wrapped around me and his little voice telling me "I love you mom" I want to sit at his next basketball practice watching him run up and down the court trying his hardest to get the ball in the basket. I want to see the excitement on his face after he's spent a week with his godmother at the beach or when he opens his christmas, birthday, easter presents. I wanted to see him grow up and become successful in life because I'm positive he would have. He was turning into a very smart, educated, well mannered, and mature boy. He would be 11 years old. I often wonder how much his interests would change. Would he start asking me to take a walk up the street with his friends? Hanging out at the park? All these questions with no answers. I probably already know the answers, I wouldn't be pondering over these things if I didn't already somewhat know the answers. I have learned a few things since Brandon passed away the first and biggest one is Life is too short, make memories EVERY day, not just once in a while, make every moment count, even when it isn't a good day. Secondly, Even when times are rough, try to smile, don't make yourself regret anything you might say to someone. When you are thinking about something sad think about a happy memory of whatever it is you were thinking about. Don't ever do anything you would have to second guess yourself for doing if you think it's the wrong thing to do. It's just going to make things worse. Always try to see the positive out of the worst of things. Keep telling yourself you can get through this. "This too shall pass" Don't let anyone get the worst of you. Life is what you make it, so make it count. We make mistakes and learn from them, so we can better ourselves for next time.
So as I continue to say what what's on my mind, I've come to the realization that it comes out better when I type,write or text instead of say it to someone. It's just so much easier for me for some reason. I love doing this, it helps me to express myself better. So back to what's stressing me, so far it's the whole issue of money, the richest man in the world still doesn't have enough of that, I've been applying at places online for a job, with no luck so far. We only have one income coming in right now so it's definitely not easy, everything going on with my dad, god knows I love him dearly as well as him, and because times are rough right now, it may seem I don't care, but I do, I do more than anyone can ever think. I can't make miracles happen. I'm not a fairy godmother who can turn things out of pumpkins. This only having one vehicle is getting old, I need my own vehicle, which right now I wouldn't be able to afford anyway. My health isn't the greatest right now, and I know there are people out there that are worse off with that than me, but for MYSELF, I'm not doing very good with my asthma, I'm coughing to the point at night especially that I make myself throw up, and let me tell you, it's not fun. Then there's the little battles with the girls, getting them to keep their rooms tidy, and yes they are old enough to know how to do that. The attitudes they have are insane and FYI the corner and sitting on the couch does not work with my kids, I've tried it many times, and making them go to their rooms is like telling them to go upstairs and play, jump, scream, and have a great time. ahh the joys of having kids! There's just so much going on, I feel like I'm ready to just fall apart. I don't want to do anything anymore, and it's really affecting myself and those who are close to me. I need to get some motivation, I need at least one good thing to come along and swipe me up and get me going.
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