Just some random thoughts & updates

It's been a little bit since I've done this, so here it goes...Well on Brandon's d.o.d we went to the cemetary with the girls to spend some time with him. It really sucks that's the place we have to "spend time" with him. Lately it feels like everyday is a battle within myself to keep going, to keep smiling through all the pain this has caused me. I almost want to give up on myself. I know I can't though. Every single day I wish Brandon were here and this summer has been pretty rough. I hear everyone else talk about their kids playing baseball and starting football. Brandon LOVED football, his favorite team was the Eagles just like his Uncle Billy. Last night I woke up out of a sound sleep, sat up and just looked around, I kind of felt like he was with me at that specific time. Idk I guess it sounds weird, but it just felt like his spirit was there with me. So I sat there for a few minutes then got a drink, layed back down and fell asleep. I always wonder what he's doing from day to day or what he would be doing if he were still here with me. His birthday is in 9 more days. I really wanted to go to community park and get some balloons to let go into the sky and have some cake and just remember him and celebrate what would be his 11th birthday, but due to not having the funds I can't, unless I do it the following sunday or even saturday. God must have really thought I was a strong enough person to handle something like this....and sometimes I feel like I'm doing okay, and I can, but others I just want to throw my hands up and scream why? He was TOO special to be taken away from everyone who loved him and cared about him, and believe me that's a hell of a lot of people. I find myself listening to alot of songs that Brandon used to sing/listen to, and whenever the parts come on that he would sing or dance to I could still hear him singing it, or see him doing his little hand movements like he was some kind of "G".  I'll never forget the way he said ambulance...it came out ambliance instead lol I'm so lost, I don't know what I'm supposed to even do now that he's gone. Where do I go from here? how do I even move on from this? Most of all how do I make myself believe that there was nothing I could have done to prevent his death? and how do I convince myself I'm still a good mom? all the unanswered questions that I'll never get answers to rack my brain daily. I'm not perfect, and i don't have a perfect life...I still continue to try to keep going day after day. Sometimes the thoughts in my head are enough to put me in a nut house for a while, I would never act on any of them but they linger in the back of my mind. I constantly feel like I'm putting myself down too. Even though it's a almost a year and one month since Brandon passed, I still feel like I need the encouragement and support to keep going, I feel like I need someone to just give me a huge shove and tell me not to give up or to hold my hand and walk along with me and help me be semi-happy again.