What's on my mind and a little bit of life after Brandon.

Well, I said I would do another blog, so here it is. I'm gonna try to keep up with this. Not sure how well that's gonna turn out since everytime I start something I don't finish it. So let's see, what can I say? I feel a little better than I did last night. Being able to get what's on my mind out in these blogs really does help and I have no idea why I always stop doing them for so long. It's probably because of my crazy, hectic life. Between the girls and Bill and everything else, I just haven't found the time to sit here and actually get everything out that I want to. Since Brandon has passed, I've had some good moments and bad. I'll get into some of that in a little bit. I'm probably gonna just come out with some random things, so if it seems like I'm rambling and skipping around a bit just hang in there. I need to get myself a set schedule of things that need to be done that way maybe I'll have some more time in the day to do some extras like the scrapbook I started for Brandon and didn't finish along with a bunch of other stuff too. It might even help with the girls too. Trista always comes to Bill and I and tells us that she misses Brandon, and sometimes I don't know what to say besides we miss him too. What else is there to tell her? Those two were pretty close. She reminds me of Brandon a lot too and It could be because of the ADHD. She shows a lot of the behaviors he did and maybe that's why they were the closest. I'm not saying He wasn't close to Sara or Kaylin because they all were good together, he really loved his sisters. Of course there was always the sibling rivalries and fights but when it came down to it they were there for each other. Now Trista kind of likes to be on her own, she doesn't particularly like to be bothered by Sara and Kaylin. Sara and Kaylin are like 2 peas in a pod together. After Brandon passed away Sara recieved mobile therapy because she took it the hardest, and it was most likely because she understood a little more of what had happened then Trista and Kaylin. Well when Sara had the therapy, her therapist had her make a "memory box" which was a shoe box covered in wrapping paper and decorated with stickers and stuff and she was told to put whatever she wanted to that reminded her of her brother in it, even if she just drew a picture or colored a coloring page. We keep it in the dining room where his memorial wall is. I want to do something like that with Trista to help her when she thinks about Brandon she can just do something to help her. Oh and speaking of my dining room, I don't really go in there too much unless I have to It sort of became a storage room, which I need to start cleaning so we can do birthday parties (the cake etc.) plus the kitchen table is too small for the 5 of us to sit at to eat together. It's so wierd saying the 5 of us, I was so used to it being 6. Having 1 boy and 3 girls, now all I have physically is the 3 girls. What's even worse is when people ask how many kids I have. I don't like saying just the 3 girls because it's not true I still have a son even though he's not with me anymore, but at the same time I don't want to say 1 boy and 3 girls because they see the girls and will start asking a whirlwind of questions that I just don't want to answer. Sure, I can say politely that I don't feel comfortable talking about what happened but I'm proud that I had Brandon in my life, he was a very special boy. So, what am I supposed to say? I don't know. A few months after Brandon passed Bill suffered from a heart attack, which was pretty scary being that my son had just passed not long before that, and Bill didn't have it exactly easy after the heart attack either, there were other complications too. With his last surgery it was hard for me to see him in the hospital with the condition he was in, but all I could do is be there for him and pray. I'm thankful that he's doing okay though, and I continue to hope for the best and be with him, love and care for him every step of the way through our lives together. I can't imagine my life without anyone but him. We've become alot closer over the past few months with being able to talk to one another about Brandon. After he passed I was afraid to talk to Bill about him, now I'm more open to him about talking about things. We've became each other's rock. We've also been through a lot together. We've surely had our ups and downs, but what couple doesn't? Well, speaking of Bill, it's really late and I'm gonna go snuggle up next to him and get some sleep. I didn't say everything I wanted to tonight because I have alot going through my mind, but there's always next time. Thanks for reading! Any suggestions on what to do with the girls, with helping them with their grieving and with doing a set schedule for myself would be great.