reflecting.

I'm feeling a little down today so I figured I might as well do a blog to try to sort my emotions/feelings out. It will be 2 years in 4 days. More often than not I have had horrible flashbacks from that night, Everytime I have one it sends me into a mini panic attack, sometimes they're worse. The only reason I say mini is because I'm able to shake them off. I guess you would have to be me to fully understand. I have had worse. I hate them. I always tend to shut everyone out. I go through mood swings. Maybe I have bipolar. I don't know and these psychiatrists and psychologists around here don't know how to properly diagnose people. They look at my history and say she has a history of depression so it must be depression. And yes part of it is but for the most part, it's not only depression. I am happy at times, but I've also had a bad temper lately too, and the mood swings keep getting worse. I need to find someone who will actually LISTEN to what I'm telling them. Like I've said before these blogs help and I would rather do them instead of seeking professional help, but the truth is maybe I do need something to sort of even things out. I just don't know what else to do. I've started picking up the pieces of my life and moving on, but it's still hard for me to be around alot of people. It's hard for me to keep a job because of this. Even though I really need one right now. Maybe If I could get over that hurdle, I would feel much better. I always feel like I set myself up just for another dissapointment. There's few things I'm proud of that I did in life. I found someone who completes me, I have beautiful children, and I've made it this far. I am a strong person. I've gotten through alot of shit. I need to work on myself though before I totally break down, and at this point something needs to be done fast. I'm starting to realize that I gotta start somewhere and make some goals for myself and for where I want my family to be in the next 10 years, heck in the next 5 years even. With Bill's medical condition, I feel like everything is all on me. I try to manage everything but I can't do it by myself. Maybe I can, that's another one of those things I don't know. I've screwed up a few times, my credit insn't the greatest, and I wish more than anything there was a way for me to go back to school to have a career in an area I truly desire, Instead of working in a factory or a store somewhere. but I owe student loans. I guess I have to keep working at my dreams and hopes. Nobody said life was easy. And my life def. hasn't been very easy. When I'm feeling the way I do right now, and I don't answer anyone or talk to them when they call, text, message or whatever else. Don't push it, when I'm ready I will talk. I feel like I don't have that many true friends, and as of lately that number keeps going down. I guess there is only a select few I can count on and to be quite honest, I really don't trust anyone anymore, and I've been keeping my guard up. I'm done being used, I'm done helping people who can't even give a simple thanks or help us when we need it. With that in mind, if you are one of those people, you better think long and hard before you speak up and ask again. I'm tired of keeping my mouth shut to those who really need to hear it. I don't care anymore. I'm done with it. If I have something to say, I'm going to say it no matter what kind of problems it causes. It's okay for everyone else to do it. Well now that I've gotten all that off my mind, I'm done venting for the night.