So yesterday marked 7 months since Brandon passed away, and let me tell you it wasn't easy for me, I was pretty depressed all day. When it hits me, it's like a ton of bricks weighing me down. The caseworker from c&y came yesterday for the monthly visit talking about how proud she was of us and the way we're coping and she wants me to go to northeast counseling once more before she closes us out, which is a good thing, then she tells me that Sara's father wrote her a letter from jail saying he gets out next year and wants to be a part of his daughter's life. She said she was just warning me of his plans, I was like It's not gonna happen, he's never going to be a part of her life, First of all he's on the megan's law list, Do you really think I'm going to let him around my daughter? lmao I don't think so. He's a loser, he always will be and I don't need someone like him around her, She's been fine without him for the past 8 years, Bill has been daddy to her, yes she knows who he is, I didn't keep that from her, but as long as I'm caring for her it won't happen.He did write me a letter after Brandon passed acting all concerned about Sara, but I never wrote back to him, he doesn't deserve my time. I mean I did write a letter and it wasn't too nice but I never sent it and just threw it away instead lol.
So back to my other issue, I sit here and wonder why Bran? why did God take him? It's not fair. I'm still questioning it, and I know I'll never get the answers as to why it happened, why he was taken from me, and exactly what happened....I know I need to stop dwelling on that, Its just so hard. Everyone tells me how strong of a person I am and amazing I am, Well I kind of have no choice but to be strong, I have other children, I have to keep living for them...not that I would try to kill myself, but I kind of realized I still have to move on, I can't just stop living my life because of his tragedy, my family's tragedy. My mom keeps telling me I should go back to school for computers because I'm really good with them and she thinks that's what I'm destined to do. Thing is, I've went to college twice already, once through Axia college online that lasted about 6 months and I didn't like it, then I went to Mccann's for child care but that didn't work out either, I needed a job at the time more than school so I worked at subway. So needless to say, I owe a few grand in student loans. So I don't think that's an option for me right now, as much as I would love to do something in computers, and I don't even know exactly what. Haha who knows maybe by the time I'm done with this I'll start writing a book and get it published (not really, I'm not that good with writing) I just don't know what to do at this point, I'm really not ready to get a job and be around people, I never really was the people type where I had to interact with them, and be ordered around, I tried the telemarketing thing too years ago, and I couldn't stand when people hung up on me or were snotty to me, I didn't mind subway..that wasnt too bad. I'd just rather do something else. So here's what I LIKE to do, Picture editing, typing, (I'm a pretty fast typer) I've fixed my mom's computer a bunch of times when she f-ed something up on it, and I like to bake, but i have to be in the mood for that, I did start a scrapbook for Brandon too, Bill bought me the book and a starter set of the sports team scrapbooking thingies, I just haven't gotten around to it all yet, I have to get to walmart and print pictures out from football and stuff to put in it, I also need to get more stuff for the book, I have plenty of pics, it's just there all on facebook or myspace, and the pics from last year when we went to knoebel's which was the last time we went anywhere together as a family (like a vacation day) are gone for good because of the stupid cops when they were investigating took my tower and the memory card that was in it, I guess just to make sure that we didn't have something to do with his death, idiots. I just took that as a loss too, as upsetting as it is. I still have the memories though and that's what matters the most. As long as I keep thinking about the positives, and not the negatives, everything will be okay, I do have my days and I think I always will but I think as time goes on, it will get a little easier. I just have a big empty void in my life and nothing can replace it. The only thing that could is if my son magically came back to life and well, that's not going to happen. I am just longing for the day I can be with him again in heaven, until then I know he's up there watching down on me and playing his favorite sports, and being taken care of by my grandmother, grandfather, and "granny". I know that he knows I love him and miss him everyday, god knows I tell him enough. well that's enough for me right now. talk to ya later.
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