I remember...

I have so many unanswered questions about Bran's death, (I really HATE  using that word) There are some parts of that night I still don't understand, can't remember. I don't know if it's because I am blocking it out and don't want to remember it, or if I was just not there emotionally. There are alot of things I wish I could have done differant that night or even that day. I don't even remember half of what we did earlier that day, no matter how hard I sit here and try to remember. I try to replay it over in my mind, and it just won't come to me. I know he was in the field playing and didn't want to come in the house when it was time. I remember that. I remember my nephew and him play wrestling in the living room and me telling them to stop a thousand times before someone gets hurt, I remember making chocolate chip cookies, and deciding to give them to the kids the next day because it was getting late and just about bed time, however, they never got to eat them. I don't think I'm really ready to share all the unanswered questions I have in my mind, at some point maybe in the future when I'm just about done with this I will, but everything still feels too fresh for me. I want my little boy back, I want to tell him I love him, and sit on the bleachers at his baseball games, football games (which I planned on letting him play again this year) and basketball games, I miss taking him to his practices. His smile, his touch, his voice, hugs, kisses. I miss all of it. The excitement he showed when he did good in school or got a toy with Grammy at the store. The drives I had to make to pick him up when he went with his Aunt Nikki (his godmother) and the ride home. Now, It's hard to even look at his picture for too long, I haven't even begun to hang up any of his pictures besides his football magnet on the fridge, a photo that Janine had got printed out, and the last picture that was taken of him, which he was playing baseball, his last baseball game and the game he loved and was excited about the most because he got to play first base and did a great job. Those pictures are in the glass cabinet on a shelf in my kitchen along with his baseball hat, a baseball from the tribute game that all his team members had signed and given to me, and the ribbon that says Son in gold glitter that was attached to the flowers at the funeral. I shouldn't have had to bury my almost 10 year old son, He should have been burying me much later in our lives, I always pictured him graduating from school, going to college, having a wife and kids. I just thought of a funny memory, and I'll never forget it, I even took a picture of him, One day after school last year, he came home and was all hyped up telling me his girlfriend (I asked what girlfriend?) was coming over and he needed to clean the house, well he went to his room put on a dress shirt and tie, came down and started running the vacuam in the living room, and he was really serious about her coming over after I told him she wasn't coming, (which she didn't) but it was the cutest thing to see him get all excited, and he told me I had to make a nice dinner too. I can never forget the sound of his voice when he told me all of this. That's what I love about Brandon, he was kind, caring, loving and cute. There are many more things I love about him. I think I'm gonna stop for now, leaving that memory in my mind for tonight. Here is a picture of him that day he got all dressed up and such for his girlfriend.