Why?

Today was a pretty rough day, and I'm not even really sure why. I went to Northeast Counseling, not because I really wanted to go but because Children and Youth recommended it, They got involved after Brandon's death, to make sure our family would be okay and have all of the services we needed. So back to NEC, sat in the waiting room for about an hour, staring at about 5 or 6 kids in the waiting area, most of which were boys, Finally they call me back for intake and ask me all sorts of questions, Like do you have any motivation? Is she kidding me??? If I had any kind of motivation I wouldn't be sitting there in the first place, truth is I don't. I hate what my life has become without my son in it, I hate that I'll never get to do anything special with him again, that I'll never have another school picture of him, another christmas, birthday, the list goes on. You'd be lucky to see me out of the house unless I have to take one of the girls' to the doctors or go to the store. I don't like being around alot of people. It's like they're all looking at me saying to themselves "There's the woman who lost her little boy".  Anyway, I wasn't going to lie about it so I told her no, then it's do you feel hopeless or helpless? I don't know, sometimes I do, but it's usually only when I'm in that state of mind where I'm thinking about what I could have done that night or could have changed. Do you want to hurting other people or things? No, are you crazy? why would I want to do that. I mean yeah sometimes if I'm angry I feel like taking someones head off, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna do it, I'm not an abusive type of person. And if you understood what I've just been through you would understand. Do you or did you ever have thoughts or tried to kill yourself? another one of those STUPID questions. I thought about it when I was a teen, but alot of teens go through that phase. and if your questioning this, here's the scoop, I was 14 (i think) I scraped myself across the wrist with a sowing needle, and it left a little mark, no big deal, no medical attention was needed and it was over my first boyfriend. It was pretty dumb. anyway, I have children now, I'm not going to hurt myself, my girls need me more than anything right now, they're going through pretty much the same thing, they lost a big part of their family. I lost their brother, my son. I'm not selfish. I think committing suicide can be selfish, depending on the reasononing I guess. Do you sleep good? Not at all, I don't fall asleep until about 3ish in the morning and get up at 7:30 most days. And then there's the tons of other questions, do you have anxiety, rapid heart beats, shakiness, sweating, etc.  I felt like telling her, I hate what my life is now, I have alot of panic/anxiety attacks, (I've had anxiety issues in the past) and it's gotten worse since we've moved into our own apartment, I think it's just because I'm used to having all four kids and now I only have 3, It really hurts. It's devastating. It sucks that Brandon can't protect his sisters at school or on the bus, he used to do that all the time, even though he would never admit to it, his tss worker told me lol. I think it's taken me longer to realize that Brandon's really gone. For the past 7 months, I've been trying to block it out somehow and not believe it, like he was just on a really long vacation, and now I'm pulled back to reality. Back to the realization that I won't get to see him again until it's my time. This has all made me realize that you don't know when it's your time, and maybe I should start living for tomorrow, for tomorrow's just a few hours away. Live. Laugh. Love. Learn & Pray. That's what I need to start going by. Make memories to last a lifetime. Right now I'm strong enough for my girls, but not myself. I need to start helping myself too. I know I'm rambling, but I'm trying to figure this out. Trying to figure out how to find some happiness back in my life again. Well I think that should do it for tonight. Maybe tomorrow I'll do some more on Life with my son.