Introduction

Where do I start? I'm not really sure where the beginning of this blog should begin, or where it should end. Well, I guess I could start by saying that the reason I am doing this is to kind of help myself in a way, It works for some people when they are grieving, I found that when I went to Northeast Counseling, probably a year or 2 after my grandmother passed away and I was still having a hard time coping with her death, the counselor who was a very easy person to talk to and seemed like she understood me, suggested I wrote down anything I wanted to say to my grandmother or any thoughts I had, or just how my day was going, anything. So, needless, to say, that's what I did, and believe it or not it did help tremendously, I still have the journal too. I actually have 2 journals that I started to write in and then just stopped. Losing Brandon has been the hardest situation I have ever been in and believe me I've been through more bad than good in my life, or at least that's the way it's seemed since I was 16. I can't really say my life has been absolutely horrible, because I do have great parents, a wonderful family who supports me, and a few good friends. I've always lived my life day to day mostly. I'm gonna bring you back to the beginning when I found out I was pregnant with Brandon.
It was December of 1999, I was a typical teenager, hanging out with friends, well Brandon's dad, had pretty much begged me to go out with him, so I did, and I don't know why at the time I wanted a child so bad, being pretty much a child myself still but I did and I told him I wanted a baby, well 4 weeks later, I found out I was, by then Brandon's father broke up with me. I will never forget the day I went to planned parenthood to get the pregnancy test done. I told my mom I was going to be put on birth control because I was afraid to tell her the real reason I was actually going. My friend picked me up, It was snowing and pretty bad too, I went in while he stayed outside in the vehicle. They told me it was positive, gave me information on options I had (abortion, adoption etc.) came home, and as I walked in the door, my stepdad came down the steps and said Are ya or aren't ya? and my mom was sitting on the couch. I looked at him (I'm sure my mouth was down to the floor in shock, thinking he knew something) and looked at her, and she said "You better not be, I'll kill you!" (and no, she didn't mean it literally, oh and she also knew I was already having sex way before that) so the first words that I spit out of my mouth were "Then you better kill me, because I am"  my mom was furious, I guess you could say, I mean who could blame her, her 16 yr old daughter just came in the door and told her that she was pregnant, I'm sure she wasn't ready for this just as much as I wasn't. She started asking questions, who got me pregnant, what's his name, where does he live, I want you to call him right now and get him over here for a talk, so my friend and I picked him up brought him back to my house, and she told him you have 3 choices, you either pay for an abortion, pay child support for 18 years or she was calling the cops, I believe he was 18 at the time. I, right off the bat told her, I was not getting an abortion, I couldn't do that to my baby and Brandon's father agreed. The whole 9 months I was pregnant, he did not have any part in it. towards the last week or two we talked on the phone, I told him what I planned on naming my baby boy, Alexander James, he disagreed and asked if his name could be Brandon, of course I agreed because after 9 months of him not being there through out the pregnancy I figured maybe if I gave our son the name he wanted he would become more involved, So it ended up that his name was to be Brandon James. August 28th, 2000 Brandon James Goralewski was born. It was that day, I realized, I was now a parent, and had to grow up. Aug, 28th was also the first day of my senior year, which I missed, I reluctantly also quit my senior year of school to take care of my son. I still lived at home with my mom, stepdad and little sister. I think that was one of the best years of my life so far, It was the best because, I was with my family had the most perfect baby boy, slept good, ate good, hardly cried, laughed, smiled. On those cold nights he would sit with pappy by the fireplace and stay warm, he loved his grammy and pappy and they loved him that much more. I never asked anyone to babsit him, wherever I went, when I went anywhere, he was with me, I had taken on a huge responsibility, and I planned to take care of it. It didn't matter that I couldn't go out with my friends, or graduate or go to prom, none of that mattered, I had my son, and that was good enough for me. Now if I've kept your attention this far, there will be lots more to come about the upcoming years of our lives together. This is the only way for me to remember all the little things, all of the best memories I have with Brandon. When I just sit here and daydream, I guess you can say, all the horrible memories and thoughts come to me like a mack truck going full throttle at a steel wall.