To Hug him once again

I took a break from doing this blog, partly because I needed to and partly because I have been a little busy lately. So, Last week Bill wanted to go to the cemetary and I told him no, I didn't want to and usually I don't have a problem with going, in the beginning it sort of helped, and I don't know if it helped because I really didn't want to believe Brandon was gone or if it truely did, but the past few times since we went on christmas, I've cried and it was harder for me to have to visit my son at a cemetary and see his picture on a headstone. Something inside me still doesn't want to believe he's gone, but reality has set in that he's never coming back to me and I'll never be able to hug him again. I'm not used to not having him around and not hearing his voice or feeling his touch or taking care of him. We went to my dad's this weekend, and I just realized I haven't been there since the summer, since we went to knoebels together, It was My dad, the kids (brandon included) Bill and I. I lost the pictures we had taken at knoebels and I forgot my dad took some too, so I emailed them to myself from his computer. I remember when Brandon and one of the girls rode on the haunted house ride together, He was such a good big brother, and turning into a brave little boy. We had so much fun and then a few weeks later it was my birthday, I didn't celebrate it, my mom had gotten me flowers and made me a cake, Janine (my best friend) got me a necklace with a cross. A few days before that Brandon tried to give me a little lion his nikki got him when they went on vacation and I told him no and he should keep it. I don't know exactly why I'm even telling you all this, but oh well. and 2 days after my birthday was that awful night, the night I lost my brave little boy. Sometimes I get so mad at myself for not being able to save him, to bring him back, I feel so guilty inside, and I take a deep breath and tell myself there was nothing me or anyone else could have done. Everything happens for a reason, and maybe someday I'll know that reason, maybe I won't. But I do know that I loved him with all my heart and I will continue to love him forever. Loving my children is unconditional, I may get upset with them sometimes but I will never stop loving any of them. I just want everyone to know that I do love my son and have always loved him, I always did everything I could for him. Sometimes I even think I did more for him than I did for the girls. I won't ever forget him and I won't ever stop doing for him, but I think it's time for me to start trying to accept the fact that he's gone and I won't see him again until god sends me to be with him again. I need to start focusing on the future. Life can be hard, and emotions even harder, but I am strong and I will make it through this even if I do cry every day or every week, because I still have a lot to be thankful for in my life and I am thankful that I have such an amazing son looking down on me and I know he would be telling me everything will be okay. I love you Brandon for being such an amazing gift in my life, I love you for everything you have done to make me the best mom I can possibly be to you and your sisters. I miss you and you will never leave my heart.