11 months tomorrow

Tomorrow Brandon will be gone 11 months. I've been seeing a counselor, she thinks I'm still in the 1st stage of grieving, which is shock. and to be honest I don't know if I am, I guess you could say that. Website to the 7 stages of grieving I think I've hit the first 4 stages. I'm sort of between 1 and 2 right now, I can't get over the fact that he's gone. I can't stop thinking about him every second of every day wishing he was still here and wishing I could have done things differently that night, I could wish and ask questions all I want but nothing is going to change. There's days I hate myself for what happened and even though it's nobody's fault, the thoughts still run through my mind. I still get those images in my mind, which sends me straight into an anxiety attack. I really am trying to move on and accept this, but right now I can't. I also started the scrapbook with the counselor. With our ideas for it combined, I think it's gonna turn out real good. Lately I've kind of just been wanting to not be around alot of people. Sara just turned 9, Trista 7, and Kaylin will be 6. If it weren't for them, I would probably hide in my room all day and  not socialize with anyone. I keep going because I HAVE to, not because I want to. It seems that the smallest things even remind me of Brandon, even things the girls do or say. Every time I see a little boy somewhere, it reminds me of him. So what do I do? How do I cope better? Is it even possible right now? I don't know. It also seems that every time I do start talking about him to someone, they change the subject. Maybe I need to talk about him more to feel even a little bit better even if it's an ounce. I try to imagine what we'd all be doing if he was still here. I'd probably still be going to his baseball games, taking them to the park, going swimming together at Hickory Run, camping, he'd probably stay over grammy's house, ride his bike with his friends, play basketball with Jade, the list goes on and on. There's so much more we could have been doing too as he got older. Life shouldn't be taken for granted. Life is precious. you never know when it will be your last day or even hour, minute or second, anything can happen. I'm grateful for the memories I have, and I hope to NEVER lose them.