Going on 5 years

I haven't done one of these in so long. I'm not even sure where to start. So, July 24th will be 5 years Brandon's been gone. Alot has happened in that time. I guess I'll just start with my dad has since moved to the Philippines and got married. Bill had another heart attack, Brandon's godmother had a baby who was actually born right around Brandon's birthday, and got married, we moved to jeddo, i have an almost 2 year old niece and a 2 year old nephew. I guess that's it for that right now. Im sure theres more.
   Wow, 5 YEARS, I still cant believe we are already at that mark, half of a decade since I lost my only son, my first born baby, it always feels like just yesterday i was saying my last goodbye, but yet at the same time it feels like i haven't held you or seen you in forever. I will never let go of the sweet memories we have, you will never be forgotten. You will live on in my heart, the day i lost you, you took a piece of me with you. Aunt nene and i were talking the other day and i realized that after you passed, i blocked some things out in the days, months that followed, i think i blocked part of the day you passed too. I try to remember that day and i cant. I wish i could remember. I mean i do remember you were playing with your friends riding your bike, i remember you and matty play wrestling which lead up to what i perceive as a nightmare, every mother's worst fear, but i cant even remember what we ate, or what we did earlier in the day. I always, ALWAYS think about what life would be like if you were still here. You're passing has changed so many peoples lives. A few weeks ago I was visited by your best friend Josh, and talking to him  and seeing how much he's grown made me think would you be like him or would you be totally different?  It hurts that i dont get the chance to watch you grow into the handsome, smart, funny, caring, young man i know you would be. It hurts even more that i will Never hear your voice or feel your hugs and kisses. I will never hear my little boy tell me he loves me again. I never thought or never wanted to picture my life without you. No mother ever thinks she will lose a child, it never crossed my mind that i would lose you or the girls. Everyone knows that eventually you will lose your parents, grandparents etc. But never a child. I know accidents happen, but you're never prepared for them. You dont want to be. Its hard to explain what its like to lose your child, noone can understand your pain, your heartache, its not a loss that the pain lessens with time. Truth is it doesnt. I guess you in a way learn to live with the pain. The heartache. The emotions you feel. Its something I wouldnt want for my worst enemy to endure.  Most of the time i feel like its all a bad dream and at any moment I'm going to wake up and things will be back to normal, my life as i once knew it to be before i lost Brandon will be back and everything will be fine, but then the reality sinks in and i know he will never physically be here with me and i feel the pain of losing him all over again. I have my "better" days, then i have my "bad" days, but there is never a passing day that i don't think of him. Everytime i look at the girls, or get in the truck, or sit in a room, go somewhere. There is always something that reminds me of him. I can hardly wait to leave this life to be with him once again. I love my girls with every last piece of me and would never do anything that will take them away, but for them, myself and everyone else this life that we live is our temporary home. Heh, reminds me of that song by carrie underwood. I can ramble on and on but i think I'll save some for another day.